Discovering Who I Am

I am officially done with Yuba College! I’m so ready for a new start and to move on with my life. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t still think about K, but hopefully a new environment will keep my mind off him, and make my heart forget. He’s graduating from Chico State and will be starting med school in LA in the fall. I’m proud of him, I really am. He’s worked hard for all he’s accomplished and I know he will do great things. Part of me is sad about it, knowing that we didn’t make it together through his studies at Chico. Part of me still wishes that we were together, and that I would be sitting with his family at his graduation ceremony, and spending the summer with him going out to bars, going to the cabin or lake with friends, and being in love again. But even when we were together, we never did any of that fun, romantic stuff. It was always a short simple night spent together, but I loved it all the same. I know I’ll miss him, but I think I know that we won’t be together again. I want to be the one Kaniel wants to be with, but he’s going to do whatever he wants to do. He’s kind of like Meg in a way. Both smart and strong willed and won’t be talked into anything they don’t want to do. I respect that. I want him to want me, but I’m not, and he’s going to live his new life in a new environment and perhaps meet someone in LA worthy of meeting his parents. 

Tonight I finally got to return to Bayside and attend a small group. I got to see Inna and Chad from Mexico and it felt really good to see them. Much to my surprise and delight, Tierney agreed to go and my sister tagged along with the promise of food after. Tierney even said that she wanted to go again! The entire way home we spent blasting techno, romance, Disney, and hip-hop songs and dancing. I’m happy. Could I be happier? I think so, but like I’ve said, I prayed to God through tears for years, to finally give me a good year and I think this is it. This is the happiest I’ve been since I graduated high school. Three years later. I’ve earned my Associates, I’m going to Sac State, moving, have a new job, and I’m going to church again. I’m pretty blessed. God promises to take care of me, and he’s been with me through my joys and pains over the years. I know he has a plan for me, so I need to be patient and follow him.

I may sound a bit conceited, but I like my body for the most part. I’m not in the shape I was in high school, but I’m satisfied enough. My thighs are short and semi muscular from years of cheer and various sports and my butt isn’t exactly small, but I have been told it’s desirable and a turn on and that makes me feel good. In psychology and human sexuality they tell you that men are physically attracted to women with hourglass figures because they are in good shape for child bearing. Kids definitely aren’t in my future for at least a few more years, but I like knowing that being short and curvy is attractive. I’d still like to be in better shape, but I’m pretty happy with what I’ve got.

Interesting to think that the last time I saw you, was the last time I would ever see you again.

Settling

Ok I’ve been meaning to rant which means I either go to Meg or Tumblr and Meg has already heard as much as my fingers can type into a text. 

So! Mark and I are no longer. Am I sad? Not at all. I was at his place and everything he was doing and saying was just utterly immature and I instantly thought to myself that I needed to end it. And just like that it did. I requested that he not throw his socks at me like he had joked about (not funny) and he blew up. Yelling at me in his apartment and the whole time I walked to my car and up until I left. I got about 100 phone calls and text messages apologizing, but I am definitely over it.

I can NOT stand immaturity or guys that can not take care of themselves. It is a complete and utter turn off. I like a guy who has motivation. I want him to be educated and for him to have a job. I want him to be able to take care of himself before he can take care of me. And I want him to want those things for himself as well. 

Now, my next annoyance is Tierney and her boyfriend, Tyler. Tierney’s boyfriend is a complete tool. First of all, he started dating Tierney while he had a girlfriend. He goes to a JC in Sac, but upon being bored that his parents pay for his entire education and his apartment, on top of the allowance they give him, he decided to break his hand so he wouldn’t have to wrestle on the team anymore. She told him all she wanted for Valentine’s Day was flowers, but not only did he not get them for her, he completely blew her off about it. She broke up with him a while back because he was being too controlling, but unfortunately they are back together. However, now he has talked her into getting promise rings. I’m so furious that she could be so stupid to fall for that! He spent like $10 on hers and yet let her spend $50 (+) on his and demanded that it come right away. His rings looks like an actual wedding band and the one he got her looks like it came out of a vending machine and doesn’t even fit her. Getting those stupid rings is his way of controlling her again! They are wearing these stupid rings on their wedding fingers. Every time they go out to eat Tyler sits there and waits for Tierney to pick up the check. He is so lazy that he doesn’t even work. For weeks Tierney was looking at job ads for him and telling him where to apply, how to dress, etc. Just yesterday though, Tierney told me that her grandma got Tyler a job at a restaurant in Yuba. Oh joy. Which means that he will either be over at the house every day, or getting a place in town. Sarah and I both decided that there is no way in hell that he will be staying at our place though. My aunt thinks Tierney will be married in a year, but I pray it’s not to Tyler. I’m really hoping that after this Summer when Sarah and I leave, that Tyler doesn’t move in here. I know that Tierney will pay all of the rent if that is the case and that we will most likely lose contact with her. When she and Tyler first started dating, she blew us off, so I know it could happen again. I honestly think she is with him merely for the fact that he likes her and shows her a fraction of the attention she actually deserves. Tierney used to be so independent and carefree and it’s just sad and SO frustrating that she is at his beck and call. Tierney’s parents hate him, her sister hates him, and my sister and I hate him. Tierney works SO damn hard at her 2 jobs from sun up to sun down every day and deserves to be treated a 1000xs better than Tyler treats her. I even talked to her about how I feel this last weekend and I guess it just went in one ear and out the other. (Sigh) I guess there’s only so much I can say. She’ll make her own decisions.